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Showing posts from 2005

i'm a horrible human

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cassady surgery Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . It's hard not to feel that way when you see your poor dog with a shaved leg and a six-inch long incision. Oh yeah, and they had to yank out a tooth and chop off a skin growth from his chest too. Three incision sites = three times the guilt. And don't forget the part where I got pretty worked up about him having to spend the night at the vet's office (he's a certifiable Houdini Dog) and when I went to pick him up, they couldn't stop telling me how calm and great he was the whole time. So, yeah, seem like it's actually only me with the separation anxiety. Poor guy was probably loving his Corn Dog-free time. Medications that came home with him: - Acepromazine (no idea what this is for - could be the sedative I asked for)(for him, not me) - Hydroxyzine (again, not sure what this one is - maybe the antihistamine?) - Antirobe (this one is an antibiotic for the nasty infection from the rotten tooth) - Cosequin DX

Merry Mwa Ha Ha

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It just makes sense to put a sweater on a Corn Dog, don't you think? Cassady likes it more as a head scarf. And I'm dying to see pictures of Hermie in her hot pink boots. Maybe Hermie's people will let us post pics here? We can only hope...

Someone Said Blogging Is Therapeutic

So I'm gonna try it out. Right now. In about 5 minutes, I have to head out in fun rush hour traffic to go to a office holiday party by myself. Dirty Gravy isn't going because his family is in town and they're not wanting to spend their short time here with my co-workers (nothing personal of course) but rather D.G. and I don't blame them one bit. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself and I have no reason to be so upset about this, but I just snapped at my mother-in-law who is just the sweetest, kindest-hearted person you can hope to know and so now I feel doubly aggravated at myself. But the real question I have to ask is why do we need to have two separate Christmas events for an office with 9 employees ? On Wednesday, we have our staff-only gift exchange and bowling lunch. I'm wondering if I shouldn't just cancel my scheduled vacation day on Wednesday since I have to do work stuff anyway. I think I'm just letting this steam build up inside and I don

Travel Dogs

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bahamas05 030 Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . We're back from the Bahamas and now have moved seamlessly into the roles of guest entertainers. Dirty Gravy's Mom & Step Joe are in town for a week - they arrived the day after we got back into town, so it's been a bit hectic. Still have all of our gift shopping to finish and of course, I've managed to come down with a rockin' head cold. I'm not complaining though, I really hate chest colds and so far, this one's stayed in the sinus region. I'll be back early next week to relate the tale of the Sex Hex of the Bahamas and profess my love of Zicam.

Hate Me

Yeah, go ahead. I'm going to the Bahamas for a week and you're not. Dirty Gravy even gets to go to this work conference so you can hate him too. Meanwhile, I'll be hating on myself aplenty. I don't know what I was thinking when I booked this trip - being gone for the week before your inlaws come to stay for 8 days, two weeks before Christmas and less than a month after getting back from the last work conference in France. Not only is it a fiscally repugnant time to be taking a holiday, it's an equally emotionally putrid time as well. I know what you're thinking-ish: "Cry me a river! You ungrateful bitch! You are seriously complaining about going to the Bahamas in December?! STFU !" And I know you're right...I know you're right. Guess I'm finally getting my four days Dirty Gravy owes me for getting sick on our honeymoon. That would be the four days lopped off the honeymoon because of the whole airlifted-back-to-the-US thing. You

Panty Predator

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He's so cute in this picture, no? He's all young, naked and svelte. I'll have to start looking at this picture more frequently to remind myself that he's my baby and I can't in good conscious kill him like I want to when I find my underwear chewed up and digested all over the house and yard. Now he's even taken to eating clean underwear from out of my clothes basket in the basement - a frightening turn of events since he's always stuck to the non-laundered prior to this latest relapse. And even though in my head I know that he's not getting me back for anything (vet visit, the mere presence of Corn Dog) or otherwise holding a grudge, I can't help but want to poke his eyes out and pull his dew claws off when I discover the newly mangled underwear. Oh Cassady, don't hate. The worst part is what you don't know: Dirty Gravy and I are leaving next week and you get to have The World's Cutest Cousin to hang out with. Please save the pieces...

Rant Rednesday

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Just a short list of a few things I'm hating on right now. (And yes, I know it's not healthy to hate, which is why I'm releasing the hate here instead of holding it in my cold, dead heart) The neighbors: for having five covered parking spots and two driveways but refusing to park any of their 23 vehicles anywhere but on the street directly across from my SINGLE CAR DRIVEWAY. Hey, thanks! I didn't need to get out of my driveway today anyway. The holidays: for making everyone sappy and spendy. I know I'm speaking heresy here, but if there was any way to still have a great holiday without feeling the need to buy everyone something and actually just enjoy the company of family and friends....bah, I'm being a fucking ridiculous idealist and I know it. Deep down, I want stuff. Ok, maybe not so deep. But I really do hate the part where I get all emotional about everything. The vet: for being so cool and nice and understanding while explaining the fishing line procedure

Poor Beaner-Bean

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Here's Cassady in his favorite wig. He thinks he looks kinda like Gwyneth Paltrow in this wig and he struts all around in it and calls Corn Dog "Apple" when he wears it. I'll have to break out the Gwyneth wig this weekend to try and lift his spirits. He's getting x-rays on Friday to see if his ACL is torn/ruptured and needs surgery. He's going to have be put under sedation for the x-rays and you know, he's 11 so it is a wee bit worrisome that he's going under. I'm sure it'll be fine, but I'm not looking forward to the dirty looks all weekend. Who ever said dogs don't hold grudges hasn't met Cassady after he's been dropped off at the vet, puppeteered into various poses, and then locked in a crate for a few hours. Shit! Do you think I should tell the vet he's a bona fide Houdini Dog and will try to break out of any crate or room they put him in?

Why are we fighting?

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Yeah, I'm Lookin at You Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . Didn't you get my pie? I'll have to agree with Big Thirsty's Wife and say that, in general, women are total bitches. Doesn't mean I don't love them, but sometimes, I can completely identify with the urge to smack someone to get them to just shut up. And just so I'm not misunderstood, I'm an Equal Opportunity Smacker - I don't care what genitalia or sexual orientation is involved...sometimes you just feel like smacking people. Case in point: Tuesday night's soccer game. It's a women's over-30 recreational league. The way some people acted on Tuesday, you would have thought we were playing for the World Freaking Cup. To boil it down, the other team called a roster check on us because we were using players from another team in our league. We only had one sub without them and by calling a roster check, those two had to leave the field. A couple of girls on our team were highly offende

Rant Rednesday

I generally never run out of things to bitch about - it's a gift. So in anticipation of having at least one good rant to share with teh Internets, I'm hereby christening Wednesdays as Rant Rednesday (until I come up with a better name - suggestions welcome, but I reserve the right to make fun of any suggestions). Begin Rant: I have three accounts with a major banking institution. And by major, I mean that you've certainly heard of them. The gravy days were back when I only had a credit card through them, but when we bought our last house two years ago, the mortgage and the line of credit (LOC) went through this same company. Fine. I do like to pay certain bills online. Like my credit card bills. I pay them off every month (probably won't be able to say that after the next couple of months - eek) and I do it online. One day, I went to the online payment center and lo and behold, I can pay my mortgage on the same site! Brilliant, I thought. I started to pay the mo

hate it when the TV makes me cry

...even though it happens frequently. Most of the time it's because of acting and me being hyper-empathetic even when I know it's just a show and it's all fake. Even reality shows that I know are BS sometimes get me (ok, ok, yes, I sometimes even cry at commercials - those kodak ones are evil). But this show last night, this was different. For one, I buy that it's actually a real reality show and not some Surreal Life-esque crap (do you know they only live in that house for 12 days? Twelve days man - that's NOTHING. Toughen up you D-Listers!). See for yourself. They got a guy that was living on the street with an amputated leg and a shitty prosthetic and got him a new leg so that he could get a job. When that guy starting crying and saying "Please tell me this isn't a dream", I freakin lost it. Andre & John - you're my new role models.

Axl and Slash 05

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Axl and Slash 05 Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . I'm sure Slash would never have held his guitar like this. Ask me if we won the costume contest...go ahead... I WISH I KNEW. Troy, you bastard. That's two years in a row we've done some killer costumes only to have NO winners announced. Gah! Come on man, I NEED that bar tab.
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I think I'm finally ready to tackle another stained glass project. Got any ideas? It's taken me a while to get the nerve to do another piece. The Van Gogh Starry Night rip-off was a hella big undertaking for as little experience with stained glass as I have. And then I had to go and break it. Yeah. I had finished the piece about 2 months prior to the "incident", but was waiting to present it to Big Thirsty and his wife (Big Thirsty's Wife she shall be called forever after) until the custom frame was done. I'd pretty much given up on Dirty Gravy (I hereby designate this name for mi esposo) finishing the frame until Old Dirty Gravy (that'd be my father-in-law) came to town and saved the day. So, here I was - all proud of finishing it and having an awesome frame in which to beset my work, so clearly I had to show it off. Setting: Kitchen. Players: Dirty Gravy and Me. I was holding the glass and set the frame on top of it - it was the glass' first

Top It With Bobbit

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Yeah, yeah, the quality of the images suck - my monstrosity of a digital camera only has a lousy 1.2 megapixels. Hey, they sold me on the floppy disk storage option. And yes, that's quite likely the most embarassing thing I've said on this blog so far. Don't squint now, here it is up close and personal...

Why do we hate The Man? He's responsible for this...among other atrocities

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Busch Haiku Just a stadium Hate to be sentimental But the memories

How can you top feminine product costumes?

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feminine product halloween 04 Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . The first time we went to the local watering holes' Halloween contest fest (that'd be the Old Millstream), we won third place with our John and Lorena Bobbit getups. I think the bloody sausage in a jar prop really sealed the deal. And the next year, we knew we had peaked too soon because we couldn't come up with shit for ideas and ended up going as a psycho clown and a hippie or something equally inane. But last year we really thought we had a winner costume idea for a couple. Dave went as a maxi pad and I was a tampon. Have you ever seen costumes of feminine hygiene products before? Maybe I don't get out enough, but I never had. I was seriously convinced we'd win third again, at the very least. But alas, no reward was forthcoming because the contest was inexplicably not decided by the powers that be (Troy). There were no winners, but I guess that means there were no losers either. Screw that.

The first of hopefully many posts referencing the Cardinals in postseason

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daveanddadatbusch2 Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . I've never been to a Cardinals postseason game. And for some reason, I'm a little ashamed that I'm not that sad about it. It's not that I'm a so-so or fairweather fan - I probably watched 142 of the 160 games this season on TV and went to three games at Busch. Hold on...GO CARDS...had to get that out there real quick. But like I was saying, I can't imagine the atmosphere at a postseason game - it's got to be amazing. I guess it's one of those things where I'm happy just being one of the masses. There's a lot of Cardinals fans around the country and around the world and there's only so many seats in the stadium. I like watching postseason games on TV so I can: viciously berate the ESPN (Extra-Special Panty-wearing Nutjobs) commentators laugh, cry, scream, cheer, nailbite and exasperate in the comfort of my own home and not in front of 50,000 not pay $8.00 a beer!!!! not drive 45 min. there a

Hot Socks

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Hot Socks Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . Some things make me happy by reminding me of my youth. These socks make me inordinately happy when I see them in my jumbled sock drawer, sticking out from among the sea of white. I remember wearing these socks in sixth grade. Aside from the simple miracle it took to keep both socks together over the last twenty years, they remind me of a time before I worried about meaningless shit. I didn't worry about anything in sixth grade except would we win our soccer game and who would be my friend, Becky or Melissa. You know those friends - the ones that wrote the notes that said: Do you like me or Melissa better? cirle one Becky Melissa What is your favorite animal? ___Tiger___________

Big-Head Syndrome

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richie.nicole Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . I read once that actors/acresses with disproportionately large heads do well in show business and ever since then, I've noticed it in many celebrities. In most cases, it's a hairdo or tiny body that accentuates it. Here is poor Nicole Richie, photo courtesy of EOnline.com. This picture not only gives us proof of the Big Head Syndrome, but also provides us with a glimpse at how humans might look if our heads were put on our bodies backwards. If it wasn't for her jutting collar bone, I'd swear she was pulling a Linda Blair.

Hi Jason!

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Hermie Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . I don't think Corn Dog has met Hermie yet. Hermie and Corn Dog are kind of similar in that neither of them get out much. Not sure why Hermie doesn't get out much, but I know why Corn Dog doesn't: I'm too lazy to train her properly to not be a complete SPAZ. It's a terrible excuse and I resolve today that I will do more to socialize and train Corn Dog to be less spaztastic in public. She deserves to get out and play with strange dogs and sniff weird stuff.

When squirrels attack

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flower Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . No, I don't have rabies. But it was a close call. Actually I learned quite a lot about rabies the other day when a devious little squirrel decided to jump the gap between a building and a telephone pole right as I was walking between them. He/she landed on my stomach and I made a noise that I can only liken to a cross between an "Ooomph" and a "GAH!". Of course, I scared the bejesus out of the critter and I can assure you the feeling was mutual. He kicked a bit and bounced off of me, but not before he laid down three little scratches on the back of my hand. The nurseline nurse said squirrels are low-threat rabies carriers and you're more likely to get rabies from dogs, cats, cows, skunks, bats and raccoons. You can get it from squirrels, but it's pretty rare. PSA: So the next time you're walking in the vicinity of crazed squirrels, don't let them bite you, cuz you could just end up with a case of

Links to Help

On the off-chance a single person in the world finds this blog and doesn't know how or where they can help out those victimized by the Gulf Coast disaster, here is a link of sites taking donations and providing other assistance: http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2005/katrina/help.center/ Please do whatever you can - even though it's cliche, every little bit does help.

Just tell me what to do

to help out. Beyond everything that I could say about the disaster response (or total lack thereof), I just want to say out loud that I want to help. I don't want to focus on why this or that didn't get done or that a small number of people are taking advantage of the dire situation - people, we need to focus on getting everyone out of there RIGHT NOW. This may go down as one of the worst disaster response debacles of all time, but we can play the blame game later. How can anyone watch even a few minutes of the news coverage and not feel the primal urge to go to them and try to help them? I think it's a part of our humanity that makes the empathy vibe so strong in a situation like this. Maybe one of the best parts of our humanity. So, this is a call to myself (and all zero of my readers) to activate and do whatever you can in whatever capacity you have to help these people out.

Baby you're the best

I'd like to take just a moment to appreciate what my friend Kim and her husband Mike have done: they've just welcomed three of the teeniest, most tenacious, and miraculous humans to Earth. At only 26 weeks gestation, Lily, Ethan and Jack are smaller than some of the lint balls I've seen my husband pull out of his belly button, but they're here by God and they're making their mark already. Kim, Mike - I have just this to say: You guys have handled everything about this situation and these wee ones like fucking champs. When you think about the physical pain Kim is in, the intense frustration of dealing with doctors and the feeling of helplessness it creates, keeping Monster (that'd be their 5-year old) occupied and feeling loved, and the stress of updating everyone and their dog about the babies' health and status - it's just too much to think about. And yet, I haven't seen or heard either of you complain or whine or dive into the deep abyss of self-pi

my happy place

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my happy place Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . For those instances when I'm feeling sorry for myself or thinking I've got it rough...proof that I've actually been to my happy place in person.

Tulum sur la Mer

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Tulum sur la Mer Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . More from Tulum last year...this one has that amazing (ok, fake-looking) blue color to the ocean. I did not touch up this photo. Man, I need more than 1.2 megapixels!!!!! Can't afford a new digital though and I can't find my film camera. Phuck!

Tulum Doorway

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Tulum Doorway Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . I wish the actual blue color of the ocean came out in this picture - this will be my goal for next week: to take pictures that show the true colors of Mexico's Mayan Riviera. That, and not letting anything ruin my good time...when you travel with family there's always that chance that we'll revert to our pre-puberty selves and start slapping and pinching and saying mean things. On Wednesday, I was on a flight from Philadelphia and there was a family that consisted of Mom & Dad and like 8 kids ranging in age from just popped out to maybe twelve. When I saw that they were going to be on the flight, I tried not to think it was going to be a long one. Then, once we're aloft, the kids start passing candy between them - a lot of candy. I personally witnessed the transferrance of gummy bears, bubble gum, licorice and maybe something chocolatey in the first five minutes of the flight. I kept trying to hope for the best

Today I'm gonna...

try to not blow things out of proportion. And try to remember how good I've got it. I could be my friend Kim who - in the best case scenario - will be spending the next 6 weeks in the hospital while they fill her full of drugs and poke and prod her with needles in order to delay the imminent arrival of triplets. Six weeks? Man, I don't know how she's gonna do it. Somebody get that girl a laptop and a wireless connection.

I'm so hungry

I'm trying to alter my eating habits to go from two big meals a day to more like 5 small meals a day. It's not going so well. I feel like I'm always hungry and then on the weekend, I completely fold...the willpower is just gone on the weekends. I even stopped writing down what I was eating this weekend because it got so bad. The snacking. Oh how I love thee crunchy pretzels...

Clean-shaven Cleo

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Clean-shaven Cleo Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . We miss you Cleo and SecretAgent009! Hope you're feeling better finally. It's been weeks since Cleo and SA009 have visited us...I hope there's no hard feelings because of a vicious cut 009 received whilst working with Gravid. Can we ply you with homegrown salsa? We have a little container just for you and Fred all set aside.

Big Piney

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Big Piney Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . Thank you to everyone that came to the Piney last weekend. The motley crew managed to pack in a heavy amount of drinking, smoking and general zaniness and Kim & Mike weren't even there! We missed you guys though. Let's see...who was there: Anna, Shannon, Matt (of April & Matt but April went on a different float that traitor), Aaron, The Drunk Monk, Christian the Pisschin, Josh & Bert, Marty & Meeghan, Bischof, Andy & Jamie (all the way from A-T-L-A-N-T-A - the first to ever fly to MO just for the Piney), Joy & Jeff (I count them as they were on the float trip but nothing else), Aaron & Steve (fucking maniacs - they were also only on the float and thank the Capital G-od for that), Ryan & Sister Jenn, Blood, JDPimp and myself and Dave. Oh and don't forget Cassady, Corn Dog, Cleo, Jasmine, Indy & Bo of the canine-variety friends. We still have people shitting in the river though and that's

A Letter to the Terrorists, From London

From The London News Review: What the fuck do you think you're doing? This is London. We've dealt with your sort before. You don't try and pull this on us. Do you have any idea how many times our city has been attacked? Whatever you're trying to do, it's not going to work. All you've done is end some of our lives, and ruin some more. How is that going to help you? You don't get rewarded for this kind of crap. And if, as your MO indicates, you're an al-Qaeda group, then you're out of your tiny minds. Because if this is a message to Tony Blair, we've got news for you. We don't much like our government ourselves, or what they do in our name. But, listen very clearly. We'll deal with that ourselves. We're London, and we've got our own way of doing things, and it doesn't involve tossing bombs around where innocent people are going about their lives. And that's because we're better than you. Everyone is better than you. Our

black dogs

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black dogs Originally uploaded by Kimba No Limba . This is me and my buddy Gondu from Texas. Gondu is so much more well-behaved than myself. Of course, he went to doggy boot camp, so he better be. Me, I'm just out of control and you love me for it. Admit it.

Why Can't We All Be So Happy?

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Me! Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . What is it about terrorists that makes them think they'll get anyone on their side by blowing up civilians? Don't their respective "governments" ever do anything that they don't agree with? I know mine sure does. But that hardly gives me reason to blow up commuters or anyone for that matter, does it? Couldn't they get a lot more accomplished by fucking up the world's oil supply or the governments that supply Western countries with the oil? But never mind those assholes. Peace and prayer and love out to everyone affected by today's bombings in London. There are many people I consider friends in London and throughout the U.K. so I hope everyone comes through this unscathed.

Corn Dog's Coolest Playmate

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Corn Dog's Coolest Playmate Originally uploaded by Corn Dog .

The Christmas Card Pose

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The Christmas Card Pose Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . Lately, one of our more enjoyable pasttimes is tormenting my parents with "Granddoggies". I'm already 32 and Dave is already 35, so it doesn't take a whole lot of convincing to have my parents more than a little worried that we're for real when we say to them "You don't need grandkids, you've got such a full life already with your granddoggies". I guess they'll be excited to hear then that my chosen provider for prescription refills neglected to alert me to the fact that my doctor DENIED MY REFILL for my b.c. pills until I make an appointment. Gee, maybe if I had known they wanted to see me, I would have made a fucking appointment. As Robbie Hart says, "Information that would have been useful to me YESTERDAY!".

Corn Dog's former owner - in newly-wedded bliss.

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Corn Dog's former owner - in newly-wedded bliss. Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . Corn Dog loves her former humans and couldn't be happier for them. Actually, Corn Dog was quite sad that she could not attend the nuptials personally, but she understood that it was Mike and Kim's day and she would not be that cute terrorizing Caleb Ring Boy (again).

No Drama is Good Drama

I hate those TNT commercials with actors saying "Drama is...." and filling in the blank with cute little clic hes. I'll tell you what drama is: it's having no treats and still being made to stay in the hard-floored crate all day. Drama is having the tennis ball roll in my old shits on the first throw of the day. Drama is finding the baby bunny hole by the a/c unit. Drama is chasing the teeny tiny neighbor dog into it's own house and refusing to come away from her hiding place. These things are dramatic. TV shows that sanitize and politicize everything from a blow job to a baseball are not dramatic - how can something staged be dramatic? They're just filler. Come on people!
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Cassady

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Cassady Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . A Corn Dog's best friend (well, besides a big, juicy stick) is a Cassady. Here's Cassady in one of his most fulfilled moments - the frisbee is nearby, the sun is hot on his fur, and there's a human nearby that JUST MIGHT PLAY FRISBEE WITH ME if I look cute enough.

Baby Corn Dog

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Baby Corn Dog Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . Welcome to the Corn Dog Blog. As you're probably well aware, dogs can't type - what, with those webbed paws and long claws, I'm not saying it can't be done...but it is a long shot. So clearly I'm merely a proxy for Corn Dog. Or is Corn Dog a proxy for me? You know, it could really go either way. Time for the truth: I am starting this blog as a paradoxical exercise - my goal is to learn how to be more forthcoming with my feelings while practising patience and self-control. I tend to show emotion on my face and in my tone of voice - but that's rather difficult in a blog setting. What I'd like to do is better control my outward appearance and voicing of emotions and direct those feelings into calm and rational speech. Thus was born Corn Dog Blog. I imagine that when I'm really pissed off, I can pretend I'm Corn Dog relating the tale and that will hopefully put things in perspective for me and mayb