I Still Can't Believe It

If it wasn't for A Christmas Story, I'm not sure I could make it through this time of year. I mean, yeah of course I'm all jolly and smiley during the holidays, who isn't? Oh, wait...that's right, I sometimes have to force it. But when ACS is on the telly, no force is necessary. So so many good lines. A smattering of some of my favorites: I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed. (this happens to me all of the time) Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl. (there's always one relative like this, isn't there?) He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. (Profanity! Not just for the holidays) Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf. (Amen) Oh I hate the smell of tapioca. (Can I get anoth

...you hear a song that you're madly in love with but you don't know what it is and then you realize your phone can identify it for you? The app store is dangerously amazing. Shazam! (superfluous emphasis mine) is the app for which I have much affection. ...you find a recipe for the delicious pancake soup you had in Vienna and try to recreate it? I only barely scanned the online recipe and thus was unawares that the leftover pancakes I used were quite different than called for until they swelled when added to the broth and I ended up with glorified brothy pancake mush. I went back for seconds. ...that trip to Scotland you've tried to plan at least three previous times is finally booked and soon to be a reality? Fuck yeah-eah-eah! Oh em gee I'm beyond excited. ...the family gets together no less than three times in the span of four days? Including D-Minus home from school? Eating, bowling, drinking, game-playing, watching Dad play to the crowd at Rumple's, a

That was the call that rang out from upstairs. I emerged from the basement to find a wiggly stream of pee ranging from the pine room, through the entire kitchen and around the corner to the hallway, with a nice finish on the hall runner. Guess I have no one but myself to blame for not letting Bean out when I got home from the bowling alley, but cleaning that up half drunk really sucked. But I'm thankful Bean's still around to piss on the floor for the full length of the house. Just one of the many things for which I'm grateful. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, but I do try to be grateful every day. An alarm titled "Gratitude" goes off at the same time every day on my phone to remind me in case I've forgotten. So, thank you Cassady, for pissing all over the house to remind me. Next time, could you just leave a note?

We're more than halfway through November in the Year of Our Lord 2008. It's been one helluva year in the Land o' Corn Dogs. It's no secret that I've been going through a lot of peaks and valleys in my personal life and this year will definitely not fade from the memory banks any time soon. It's good practice for not passing judgment and just looking at it like a passive observer, when you have times like this past year. At least that's what I tell myself on a regular basis. It's a coping mechanism, I think. So it's been hard to put anything - time, thought, personal stuff, humor, pictures - on this page for quite some time. But I think I might be into it again. Let me check. Oh yeah, I'm doing it right now. I've got all kinds of ideas for the next "Don't You Love it When..." post. I really want to get that exercise back into my routine. Such good therapy for self-pity spirals.

For my birthday, I got just about everything a girl like me could hope for and then some. To wit: Cardinals tickets in home-run-catching territory. No such luck, but the company was divine (JoySoy Habanero and Super Sue), the day was glorious, and the home team was victorious. Massive amounts of alcohol consumed with friends and a free ride back to a complimentary downtown hotel room (that damn JoySoy went overboard and thanks to Anna y Jorge for the ride). The day off work. A family gathering that consisted of dinner with grandparents (so fucking cute, those two), then outdoor viewing of Three Stooges shorts on the back of a garage, sitting under a tree, drinking beer, and THEN, then having a whipped cream pie fight. The absolute OWNAGE of my brother by my freakishly tall brother, was too beautiful for words. Gift cards to Target and DSW. Fuck yeah-eah-eah! The gift of flowers. Beautiful scarlet and yellow fragrant lilies. Goah-jus! And that's really just the highlights. Th

I'm not a real big fan of my birthday mostly because I'm a big baby and don't want to get old. But also because it bugs me that somehow it's up to the person whose birthday it is to decide what to do to celebrate it. My position is that friends or family should take on the coordinating duties so as to relieve the celebratee of the burden of making a decision. Doesn't everyone hate making decisions as much as I do? Most years, someone will call and ask what I'm doing for my birthday and I would scramble to come up with something that sounded fun although, inevitably, I'd be in a sorry frame of mind to make such plans due to my "woe is me, I'm old" moaning. This year is different, I'm happy to report. Not only is JoySoy Habanero taking me, my Mom and Super Sue to a Cardinals game AND making sure I don't have to drive in an inebriated state Sunday night, but I also have a fantastic idea of what my family should do for me: have a pie

The title of this post means "These are my words" in Mohawk. On September 11, 2001, I was in Amsterdam. A lot of you know some or all of this story, but bear with me. Because of the time difference, it was late afternoon when I heard what was going on in NYC. I was on the way back to my hotel from the Van Gogh museum when a woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was American. Upon my confirmation, she told me someone blew up the White House. That's all she knew. When I got back to the hotel, I went to the room I was sharing with my boss. The TV was on CNN and there was a note on my bed telling me to call my Mom and which room the boss was in and I should join her. I called my Mom, assured her I was OK, and then went to join the boss in the other hotel room. Besides my boss, there were four colleagues, two of whom were Mohawks and we all sat there, dumbfounded, speechless, and utterly incapable of hiding any emotion. That day, the five of us in that room knew th

If I could take photos of my bruises that accurately reflected the depth of color and relational size, I'd probably start a bruise blog wherein I could diarize the comings and goings of my colorful skin. This week's soccer game left me with a couple on my arm and a lovely, huge, and frightfully painful one on my shin. It's so bad, I might have to sit out next week as the thought of anything even brushing up against it makes my eyes water. And sitting out fries my eggs...I pay to play so if I'm in town and physically able to be there, I'm there. What's more, I'm pretty sure my psyche is just as easily bruised. Maybe if I could, say, eat a lot of pineapple and that would cure my subcutaneous bruising, I could find some remedy for the bruising I take regularly to my soul? Something like rubbing shedded dog hair on my eyebrows would be good, lord knows I've got plenty of dog hair at my disposal. Don't get me wrong, most of the soul bruising is sel

I have an admission to make, of which I'm woefully ashamed. Every time the movie Ghost Ship comes on TV, I watch it. If you haven't seen it, don't be surprised because it's not a very good movie. I guess the attraction is seeing the cast killed off in various spectacularly gruesome ways. And the ending is, well, the ending is bad like Mad Dog 20/20 when you're 15 - you don't want to drink it, but it's the only thing around and you've invested too much to turn back now. Recently, I had this conversation with someone, I believe my SIL, and she said the movie she always watched was Deep Blue Sea . In retrospect, maybe she wasn't exactly ashamed about watching it, but I felt those same dirty, i'll-never-get-these-two-hours-back feelings as from Ghost Ship. What fantastic fake sharks you have! I guess the truth about why I didn't appreciate DBS was because Karl Urban is in Ghost Ship and I find him dreamy but also like watching him die w

This is a perfect description of how I feel at work pretty much every day. And this is pretty much how I feel about national politics. If you click on the image, it takes you to a pretty hysterically bad quiz about the differences between Bush & McCain. If you do well in the first two rounds, you get a quiz seeing if you can tell the difference between McCain and a partially rotten vegetable. DISCLAIMER: I'm an independant, which I believe means I think for myself - this may seem like a diss on the Republicans, but if you substitute any of the other candidates names on that banner, it applies just as well. Not trying to get into a political debate with anyone. Even though I haven't been traveling for work much in the last month, I've managed to stay wicked busy, mostly with the planning and preparation for being a bridesmaid in Anna's wedding last weekend. For anyone not in the know, Anna is a friend from high school who married another of my friends from high scho

A friend you know here as JoySoy Habanero has a daily alarm set on her phone to go off everyday at the same time. And when it does, she thinks of as many things as she can for which she's grateful. The alarm goes off and she says "Time for Gratitude!". It's a habit I'd like to get into made even more pertinent by recent events. So here is a list of things for which I'm grateful today: My family. I've always been close to my family, but in the last few months when things have gotten rocky, I've truly been amazed at how much we will do for each other. They've been there for me without a complaint or a moan to be found and I only hope that I repay that in everything I do. Warts and all, I've got the best family I could ever wish for. All four seasons. I don't think I'd ever want to live someplace for any length of time that doesn't have all of them. And right now, spring is reminding me every day of how sweet it is to come out

On the Piney! About three days after we were there last, the banks could no longer contain the flood water and the river rose to about 10 feet from where our tent stood just a few days previously. I don't *think* The Lodge took on any water, but it would have been a really close call, and for those of you that don't know, The Lodge is easily a 150-ft. walk from the normal river bank. Photographic evidence: And I'm going to try this new-fangled video thing...we'll see if it works for anyone (8 Mb for a shorty):

...a once long-lost friend comes back into the fold of your life? Mr. FivePants, it was damn good to see you again. Don't be a stranger. ...your muscles ache from exertion? Sure, you might wince at every movement and going to the bathroom is an exercise in agony, but there's definitely the upside of not feeling quite as sedentary as usual. Of course, my exertion was trying to curve bowl and the only muscle that hurts is my right bicep, but you know what I mean. ...the softest dog in the whole world is cuddled up next to you when you're sad? Corn Dog's ears are like butta. Silky, smooth, butta. And she's so nice and warm. A big, warm, sausage-shaped ball of fuzz. It's like therapy only not as expensive. ...your friends show infinite patience as they try to explain, for the umpteenth time, why you shouldn't beat yourself up? My masochistic streak runneth over. I have been blessed with a style of self-deprecation that can suck up the last ray of suns

I have a lot of magnets on my refrigerator and I've only just noticed how varied their messages are. Some examples of magnetic philosophy from my refrigerator: "If it smells good, eat it!" On the surface, this seems like well-thought out advice. But when peering deeper into the meaning and with the added knowledge that this magnet is one of those close-up, disproportionate angle pictures of a dog, I start to get suspicious. They say dogs have this intense sense of smell, but have you seen some of the things dogs will try to eat? I rest my case. "Lovely day for a Guinness" I defy you to find a day that would not be a fine day for a Guinness. "Hooray Beer!" This simple philosophical statement could seem like the above Guinness motto, but this one goes deeper I think. It's all encompassing in it's love for beer, not singling out any one flavor (although it is a Red Stripe magnet) and I appreciate that willingness to embrace all kinds. &qu

And I mean that literally and figuratively. Brain dead is the most apt description for my current state of mind, and no, it's not because that's my only state of mind. I've just gotten home from Hong Kong and my mind is mush after not having slept much in the last 10 days. Quite frankly, I drank way too much alcohol in that time frame. So much that the bartenders at McSorley's Irish pub in the Macau Venetian all knew my name and gave me hugs when I checked out. And THEN I went and spent the weekend with JP, who has been known to drink to excess and speaks of his liver in capital letters. Poor planning on my part - or rather, a complete lack of any plan because that's how I roll apparently. What is sure to make the highlight reels of this liquid-loving weekend is the part where I tripped getting out of a taxi and ended up face-first on the pavement outside the fourth pub of the night. God bless JP for picking me up, dusting me off and quickly steering me into th

It's a shocker, I know. I even paid an extra $119 (that I probably can't expense) to have a seat in "Economy Plus", which United says gives you "up to 5 extra inches of leg room". What gives with the "up to" part? I might have enjoyed that extra leg room, but the girl sitting next to me that kept coming back to her seat right after we got our meals pretty much negated any joy I would have had about it. All in all though, I can't complain about the trip out here to Macau. We left just a few minutes late from STL and the Chicago leg left right on time. A mere 15 hours later found me in the Hong Kong airport with a five-hour layover to wait for the next ferry to Macau. That's a long time to spend in Starbucks, let me tell you. By the time I got to my hotel room, it had been 30 hours since I started my journey. And the most delicious part was finally being able to be horizontal. My hotel room at The Venetian (currently the world's l

This picture provides me with endless enjoyment. My laptop has a program called Photo Booth and using the little built-in camera, you can take pictures of yourself or, your dogs. The best feature of the program is the effects you can put on the lens. I'm not sure which effect this one is showing, maybe squeeze? All I know for sure is that whenever I look at this picture, I get the giggles. One night, some friends came over and we hung out in the basement, passing the laptop around and taking ridiculous pictures of ourselves with various effects. My youngest brother not only made up some of the most hilarious faces/pictures, but he had an entire volume of sound effects that went with each face or effect. The next day, my stomach and cheeks hurt from laughing so hard that night. And scrolling through the images that were saved did not disappoint. They're actually so good that I can't post them here or even on Flickr, as permission for such was strictly prohibited by a

That was one helluva trip. I was supposed to be gone for about 12 days in Amsterdam and London and trust me when I say I used every ounce of my 50 pound luggage limit when I was packing. When I checked my bag, it came to 49.7 lbs and that was packing with the intention of wearing some of the clothes more than once. Jeans are good for at least two wearings, right? Then some time last week, the bosses told me I needed to go to Malta ASAP. Which meant that my total time being gone was extended to 15 days. And of course, my return trip from Malta to London didn't get in in time to make the long haul flight back to the States, so I had to spend another night in the oh so lovely Gatwick Hilton. I was a busy bee for the duration. Had a great time in Amsterdam, which I think is pretty normal. I mean, you'd have to TRY and have a bad time there. It goes without saying that it's a unique city. One night, we went to a bar and played pool with a nice Irish lad. When asked wha

My splurge , originally uploaded by Corn Dog .

Ahh, the start of a new year. I can see why people feel the need to make resolutions as there's just something about that calendar change that evokes a feeling of anything's possible. Like, sure, it's possible I'll stick to a diet or, it's possible I'll really and truly quit smoking this year, and it's even possible I will stop picking my nose. And whether it's pure cynicism or a mixture of that with a side order of negativity, I didn't make any resolutions. I can't actually remember the last time I tried. Might have been that ill-advised resolution to stomp on the gas at yellow lights that resulted in the only accident I've had in a few years...can't be sure though. Some resolutions I considered: Quit smoking. This one is too tired and it's never worked. I still want to quit, but if I can't just do it, I can't do it at all. I'm gonna do it, but it won't be because of some throwaway resolution. Don't t

Comic Life of Piney Dogs , originally uploaded by Corn Dog . I'm still slowly discovering fun things on the Mac. Like this program, Comic Life. I made this one in about 15 seconds and it was the first one I made, which goes to show how frighteningly easy it is to use. I'm dedicating this to Sister Jenn, who wasn't able to join us for NYE festivities last night due to a raging case of herpes. Ok, it was really pneumonia (allegedly). Hoping this makes you smile no matter how poopy you're feeling. Don't forget to eat your black eyed peas today for prosperity throughout 2008!