My My My, Look How the Time Flies

Obviously, I'm a complete cliché. How can I seriously sit here and tell you "I can't believe an entire year has gone by!" when every SINGLE person says how fast time goes watching your children grow. I knew full well that first year was going to be a blur and because of that, I tried to be in the moment and choose to spend time with The Biscuit every chance I got. I guess what still managed to surprise me was that even with that knowledge, it still seems like there were things I missed and shouldn't have. Dude is still knocking down one or two firsts a day and it's not like I'm spending a lot of time worrying about what I missed, but damn it if I don't wish I could go back to that day I wasn't patient with his fussing and let him sit there crying while I went in the other room and cried too. I'd tell myself to breathe, let it go, I love you, don't be too hard on yourself and I'd tell Biscuit that he's allowed to be grumpy and I love him and I'd hold him tight.

How many times have I thought about loading up this blog and crying about how lonely it is with a baby sometimes, how much worry the world causes me when I think about him being subjected to so much negativity and hate, how scared I am that I will fuck it all up and emotionally scar him with my temper and bouts of weepiness, how much love I have for him and my family and friends that I can barely take it, how badly I want to be a better mom and person.

I guess the first step to fixing myself would be to never again allow a run-on sentence like that in the previous paragraph. Done. I promise to never again run-on like that, especially about shit I cry about all the time. I'll break it up into more palatable sentences of despair.

I called The Poodle today. I haven't spoken with her since last year in May or so when I called her to tell her I was preggers - and I hadn't spoken with her for about two years prior to that so it's definitely been a minute. I guess our last session was around when the Monstinko health plan cut me off in 2014. Lately, I've been feeling extra depressed and despondent. I'm so fucking weepy all the time, I'm worried Biscuit is getting a bad message that mom is always sad. I'm not trying to be sad. I want so badly to let myself be happy but I'm pretty sure it's me that's constantly sabotaging my opportunities for happiness.

So we'll have a session next week. I didn't mean for this post to be about this topic at all.  It was supposed to be about the first year of Biscuit's life: the milestones, the things he does that make me laugh and blows my heart to smithereens. I'll let it go this time. Hopefully there won't be as much time that's flown by as this time. No promises though.

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