The post where you start to worry about me

I am so pissed off at myself right now. My life was pretty much going as smoothly as you could want it to go up until last week. I mean, it' s no glamour-filled, celebrity lifestyle and by all accounts it was pretty boring, even to me. But what's wrong with boring? Now that I don't feel like boring is the best description anymore, I want boring back and with the quickness.

I can't put my finger on any one thing that did it, but internally, I'm all kinds of fucked up. And I'm pissed off because I have no one to blame but myself.

This isn't to say that every single aspect of my life was how I wanted it - who has that? I'd like to meet them. But I think the difference that I'm feeling is that I at least thought I knew what I wanted. And now? Now I'm not even sure of that anymore. I keep thinking "What DO I want out of life?" and the answer is more elusive than ever.

I feel like there's a crossroads coming up and the part that is making my stomach flop around like a trout out of water is the part where I'm pretty sure that the choices I'll have to make could end up hurting people I care about. And I don't have any more specific info other than this gut feeling. I still have a bit of hope that I'm worrying over nothing. But there's that skeptic side of me that is trying to prepare myself, to steel myself if you will, for the coming shakedown.

Now, there's really no need to worry yourselves, kind blog readers. I can't be more specific because I just don't know. I want desperately to talk to someone that can peer inside my brain and say "Yep, this is why this is happening and not to worry! I can just wiggle this wire and fidget with this connection and POOF! life makes sense again".

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