I Still Can't Believe It

I have a raging case of stage fright. Earlier this year at the big tradeshow in Montreal, one of the security guys asked me to make an announcement to the exhibit hall because some dumbshit parked their van in a tow away zone. All I had to do was speak into the microphone. No one would even have been able to see me give the announcement, so for all intents and purposes, there was no stage to be afraid of, right? Yeah. I went over to the microphone, tapped it to make sure it was on, but when I opened my mouth to speak all that came out was a tiny little squeak. My heart was pounding and my vision was blurring. It's what I would guess a panic attack feels like. All because I had to speak into a microphone! How lame. So imagine my mortification this weekend when I went up on stage for a costume contest. I was physically pushed through the throng of onlookers to meet up with Surfer Boy (who had already registered himself as a solo because I could NOT be convinced to go up there with hi...

I know I'm dreaming because I'm in heaven...Baseball Heaven. The much-maligned St. Louis Cardinals just won the World Mother Fucking Series. All complaints about the "World" part of it aside, (and considering the fact that only teams from the US play in this event, I have to agree that the title is misrepresentative) the national media and majority sentiment gave this team zero chance. I was fortunate enough to go to 9 games this season. I was fortunate enough to watch all but 3 postseason games on TV. And let me tell you, I must be drunk to sayI was "fortunate" considering the obvious bias of the FOX announcers (and not necessarily in favor of Detroit, but more in favor of ANY OTHER team than the Cardinals), their pandering to the larger markets and thinly-veiled contempt of my home team. And I admit, I am a bit pissed. For you Americans, that means drunk in this context. SO, without making even more of an ass of myself, I'll just conclude this post by ...

What is it about getting old that requires you to execute a turn in your car at 1 mph? What could the founders of the company "Stinky Fish Poker" have possibly been thinking when they came up with that for a corporate name? Where can I find a pair of gloves that don't have the finger tips? Obviously I could hack up a perfectly good pair of gloves and get the same effect, but since I'll be wearing these while typing, I don't want any of the little strings left from the hacking to get in the way of my lightening fast typing skills. How un-American is it of me to not want to Buy! Buy! Buy! Christmas gifts? How will we ever be able to top our Halloween costume of 2005 (feminine hygiene products for all of you that purged that memory already)? I have exactly 4 days to figure out a costume. Crap. Why are there now 14 pairs of shoes on the telephone/power lines outside of my office? Why am I so fascinated with the shoes on the wires that I count them every. single. day? ...

Even the freakishly tall Alien in Disguise is rooting for the Cardinals. Come on boys...in the immortal words of Rob Schneider in Waterboy: "You can DO iiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

My Surfer Boy (which is how I'm going to refer to the husband from now on) just made me throw up in my mouth a little. He popped a Banana-flavored Laffy Taffy in his mouth while muttering "Why do they even MAKE banana-flavored?" and then promptly threw in several sliced black olives to create an unholy mixture of Disgusting Flavor Combinations No One Should Ever Attempt. You should smell his breath. N-A-S-T-Y. Oh and the black olives were still sitting in the open can from the previous nights' dinner. And the worst part for me: he liked it. Think he ought to pitch the flavor combo to Willy Wonka?

I mentioned in a previous post that my grandfather has cancer. Prostate cancer with some fun, shady, nodes of it on his lungs added for exclamation. He's 84 or 85 (how horrible am I to not know the exact age of my last remaining grandfather? rhetorical question, shut up!) and aside from the random comment about his urination schedule, he barely made note at family functions about it. I'm almost certain that was done more for my frail grandmother's sake than for his own state of mind, but that's what I witnessed the few times I saw him since the diagnosis. Because of his advanced age, doctors treating the cancer opted for a hormone shot over chemo and radiation. Now, the gory details are too much for my feeble brain to retain, but the results of how the shot affected the prostate cancer have come in and this I do grasp: his prostate function is back to normal. As in, completely normal levels of that prostate hormone that indicates cancerous activity. As in, he pr...

...I know Jasoners? will forgive me for being late on his birthday post. Right? Right? Can I use the excuse that I was traveling for 17 hours yesterday and didn't get my luggage and had to file a report and so didn't get home until 8:00 pm after getting up at basically 10:30 pm the night before? Even if my luggage HAD arrived I was so fucking brain-dead, I couldn't be asked to answer the phone much less get online and try to create a worthy birthday post. So instead? Instead he gets this whiny, excuse-laden post! Being the favorite sure has its advantages. And when I say "favorite", of course I'm referring to Mom & Dad's preferences. I love all three of my brothers equally as all good sisters should. But please, don't point out that Big D and BT didn't get their very own birthday posts, ok? If you do, I might have to post a picture of you wearing a wig. I have one. And I'm willing to use it to my own evil advantage, as all good sisters woul...

the "front" of the Sagrada Familia Originally uploaded by Corn Dog . This photo is of the main facade of the Sagrada Familia - quite possibly the most insanely beautiful incarnation of a church. Ornate doesn't begin to describe the vision of Antonio Gaudi with regards to this architecture. It's been under construction since the late 1800's and they're "hoping" it will be finalized by 2040. I was there four years ago and aside from some mosaic work, it looked almost exactly the same so I'm thinking the 2040 date might be amibitious, especially with the Spanish Manana work ethic. Go to my Flickr page to see the complete set of pictures from my second visit to this awe-inspiring place. The trip was good. So descriptive and informative, aren't I? Overall, it was a good trip, but it was definitely wracked with a lot of the problems I've been having in my last few trips: loss of appetite, feeling horrid the next day after just a few drinks, pe...

He sure does clean up nice. This pic was snapped right after he did one of those little click-your-heels-while-jumping maneuvers - it was so fucking cute. That's me way in the back standing behind the...the...I don't know what you call them other than sheets...with my parents waiting to "walk down the aisle". And you know what? Today's weather is almost exactly like it was that day five years ago. Whoever noted that life is one big cycle was pretty darn smart. We may not be exactly like we were five years ago, but that's what life'll do to you. And trust me when I say I know how lucky I am to have shared these last five years with someone as kind, funny, sweet and cute as my Hundo. If those adjectives seem trite, it's only because there's just too many to list. Well, that and even just thinking about how great I've got it makes me a bit teary-eyed - I just want to deserve it. God, help me deserve it. 

Crazy times, eh? I think the Santa Ana winds are affecting more than just the probability of fires in the desert southwest. Either that or the stars are aligning (for you JoySoy!) so they can each get their respective kicks of my ass in one fell swoop. And I don't think it's just me - a lot of the other blogs I read are reflecting this Drama in their posts as well. Well, to hell with the Drama, I say. Join me, dear readers, in rising up and giving the big finger to Drama. Oh and by the way, JoySoy won the contest I posted here ages ago about how many pairs of shoes were on the wires. She was not 100% correct, but she was the closest. There were actually seven pairs in that pic. Yay JSH! You will now receive a recycled bathroom Elvis from our collection via USPS in 10 - 14 business days.