Full Flavor

Apparently, I just can't be "light" and witty anymore. It would probably behoove me to try and rediscover that whole part, but everything seems heavy. I am tired of doing nothing and yet, I still don't want to do anything. Boil it all down and I'm straight up scared.

I ask myself "What's the worst that could happen?" and usually can't come up with anything good enough to legitimately hold myself back from whatever I'm afraid of at that moment. And still I manage to talk myself out of (or into, depending on the situation) taking action. I'd never thought I'd say this, but I need to make some action items for myself and fucking get something done already.

At this time last year, life seemed so promising. This year I'm stuck in a vortex of suck and self-loathing. I miss my dog. I miss intimacy and affection. I miss my paycheck. I miss the excitement of trying new things. I want all of those things back in my life, so why can I not spur myself into doing what needs to be done to attain them again? It makes no sense and I feel like a whiny baby even writing about it. I keep looking for motivation and validation from outside myself, when I know for a fact it can only come from within.

I've wanted a tattoo for a while and lately, I've been thinking I'd get one of my favorite Shakespeare quotes on my arm: To thine own self be true. Tonight I realized it wouldn't do me a damn bit of good to remind myself to be true, when I don't seem to know myself at all. It's gonna be a lonely road to travel unless I can figure it out, eh?

Comments

Unknown said…
first off--man, how is it that i've not checked your blog or kim's blog in...hmm, well, let's see, i'll guess it's been over 2 months. gee, i wonder why. second off--i don't know that i have a great inspiring comment for you, not one that i wouldn't find to be too obvious or easy-for-me-to-say-y or there-there-y, but if you're bored of sitting around a house on that side of the river, you are welcome to come sit in a house on this side. or better yet, we can go to the bot garden or somewhere where sophia can stroll. plus, i have a mobot membership, so it's free! pretty flowers and pelting fish and ducks w/ compressed food nuggets is always a nice soft therapy...
Monday, August 03, 2009
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